Teaching Right From Wrong, 40 Things You Can Do to Raise a Moral Child, soon out from the Berkley Publishing Group, is the latest gift from Arthur Dobrin, Leader of the Long Island Ethical Society, to our Ethical Movement, and to society at large. In it he has a lovely piece:
#14 Praise a Task Well Done.
"Your children want to please you. So let them know when they succeed. Praise them for what they have done well; a repeat performance won't be far behind.
"Most parents know this. But some take this to mean that they shouldn't be critical of their children at all. Wanting to boost their child's ego, they will praise everything he does. They do everything they can to shield their son from criticism, refusing to tell him he has done something wrong or less then perfect.
"So Kevin comes home with a drawing, and it goes on the refrigerator; Jennifer writes a poem and it gets framed and hung on the wall. You believe you can boost your children's self esteem by being cheerleaders. 'Great, Kevin!' we gush, even though the drawing shows no effort. 'Terrific Jennifer' we say, even though the poem is a knock off of yesterday's birthday card. Every effort is praised to the skies, even if the effort is, by any objective standard, mediocre or worse.
"Parents (and teachers) should be cheerleaders. Think of yourself as a good coach. She doesn't yell, 'you jerk,' if Jennifer doesn't kick the ball right. But she also doesn't say, 'excellent job' when the performance was a poor one. Jennifer can be praised for having made a great effort, if that is what she did; but if she didn't play a great game, telling her that she did only builds false confidence. Cheerleaders have a job to do, too, rushing onto the field and singing the team's praises even the team really is a dud. It's part of their job description. They are there to boost the team's and the players' spirits. Their team is always the greatest team, even if it trails the league in everything.
"The coach, on the other hand, points out strengths -- good effort, fine try -- but also weaknesses. 'That was good,' a coach might say, 'but don't be distracted by your friends in the stands. You need to keep your eye on the ball. Now let's try it again.'
"Self-esteem rests upon a realistic picture of oneself. Boosterism presents a false picture of accomplishments. Eventually, a child will see through the cheerleading, if that's all there is. Far better to present the truth with kindness than falsehoods that create self-deception.
"Criticism should be presented with respect.
"All children do some things well. Focus on what those strengths are and build upon them. At the same time, let your child know that there are matters that need improvement and that there is a goal that she hasn't reached. Achieving it will require persevering in spite of frustrations. Learning how to deal with frustration is essential for moral character-especially when doing the right thing isn't easy.
"There is a balance to be found between total acceptance and constant criticism. This kind of balance means that your child will be respected for who he really is. To be known this way is critical, for it says to your child "you are a real person, not a model or an image or some hoped-for unrealized child."
I like this piece very much. When a parent reads these pages, I expect their motivation is one of love and hope for their child to become a moral adult. At the same time, isn't that also what we want for each other as adults?
How best to do this, when feedback is necessary, is a good question. We need, I think, to cultivate circles of trusting relationships, places where confidences are safe, where motivations are not assumed or assigned to others in the process of working out the inevitable hassles, and where our personal strengths come to shine, however obscured they may be elsewhere in our lives.
In our own and BSEC's projects, cheerleader and coach are both important roles we take with each other. Caring without coaching is a misguided form of love, in my opinion. But we must also be the cheerleaders for each other – the gang that loves you when you self-destruct as well as when you are the star. Ethical Culture communities should be places where members give and get feedback from each other to bring out our best.
Please consider buying and spreading the word about Arthur's marvelous little book. If you would like to honor him with a contribution to the new school in Kenya, send contributions c/o BSEC and we will forward them.
Posted by Lisel Burns on August 06, 2003